Sorry about the delay in getting this recap up! I’ve been
affected with blue Kryptonite out sick. But I’m back in the saddle!
Episode 10.06 “Harvest” Airdate: 10.29.10
Number of Drinking Game rules: 36
Ugh, this is not one of my favorite episodes. Although all the Tess/A(Lex)ander stuff was awesomely creepy, and obvs I don’t mind some naked sexytimes between Lois and Clark, the rest of this episode was drenched in watered down WEAK SAUCE. No Oliver?! Take my word for it, Smallville: you NEED Justin Hartley’s deliciously dry delivery. Trust. Still, there are 21 episodes in this final season—I guess they can’t all be winners.
Pretty country road. Lois and Clark are cruisin’ in a convertible, headed on assignment. Lo is grilling Clark about the time they want to the Phantom Zone: Yup, Kryptonian. What about the time “that horny toad-looking thing” crashed Chloe and Jimmy’s wedding? Yup, Kryptonian. And how about that time we found that spaceship? Totes Kryptonian. Lois marvels that she’s dating an alien; rather than wigging out about it as Clark fears, she thinks “it’s like dating a god, or Bono.” Oh, honey. Not even Clark Kent is as sanctimonious as Bono. It comes out that the reason our intrepid reporters are covering the lame-ass cherry festival is because Clark got them reassigned so Lois wouldn’t put herself in danger covering the anti-vigilante rally. Lois is politely affronted that Clark thinks she can’t take care of herself. Clark is typically over-protective.
Flat tires! Lois admires Clark’s prowess as he easily lifts the car and takes off one of the two flats; however, there’s only one spare and they have no cell service. A creepy little kid who can’t act, Charlotte, strolls over and hams it up about thank the lordy they’re safe and wouldn’t you like some fresh-squeezed lemonade. Lois decides to stay with Charlotte rather than go with Clark to the mechanic, just to prove a point about her self-reliance. And just to be annoying, she and Charlotte stay and watch Clark stroll off so he can’t use his WHOOOSHing abilities. CREDITS.
Clark whooshes back, preparing to replace the tire, when he accidentally cuts himself. CUTS himself?! But how?! A policeman appears and is all sorts of rude when Clark explains that he can’t find his girlfriend and they had a fight. Clark finds a board with nails extending from it and surmises that this is how they got the flat; the cop is unimpressed. The cop seems like he’s just rudely skeptical, but Mr. Marla and I both yelled “HE DID IT!” the first time we saw this, so, yeah. The cop “doesn’t believe him” until Clark points out some horse-and-buggy tracks, so the cop decides to “help Clark find Lois.” If you buy that.
Lois and Charlotte enter a charming village by buggy; Charlotte has apparently promised Lois a ride to the train station so Lo can make it back to Metropolis in time to cover the rally. “I’m not going to miss a front page story just because he thinks I can’t take care of myself!” she announces cheerfully to the oblivious little kid. Charlotte introduces Lois to her creepy mom, who insists that Lois stay for dinner before her ride to the train station. Lo’s annoyed but pretends to be gracious. “Go fetch your father, Charlotte. Tell him the ham needs carving.” IS LOIS THE HAM?! (yes. yes she is.)
Luthor mansion. Aww, Tess is throwing creepy-ass A(lex)ander a birthday party! And actual children are attending! He gives her a big hug and tells her it’s the best birthday ever; Tes is touched. They’re certainly dressing Tess rather mumsy lately, aren’t they? Guess the Smallville costume designer went to the Splice-school of Sudden Moms Dress Old. Tess is called away by a hot scientist who tells Tess that she has been searching for a cure for the accelerated mitosis affecting A(lex)ander but the condition appears to be irreversible. Tess counters that he has grown four years in two weeks and it’s unacceptable. She wants A(lex)ander to feel that he’s a normal little boy, but Dr. Pretty replies that it’s impossible, as he’s not normal. Dr. Pretty wants A(lex)ander to stay at the lab, under supervision, but Tess insists that’s not happening. Tess tells Dr. Pretty that she knows the doctor was responsible for many of Lex’s Lab of Horrors, and A(lex)ander is the chance for both of them to make things right. Tess won’t let that little boy grow into a monster. Keep telling yourself that, sugar. They hear a crash and Tess rushes back into the party room to discover A(lex)ander on the floor, epileptin’. Tess harps at Dr. Pretty to “Do something! Help him!” as Dr. Pretty gives her a stone-cold look that clearly says “Let a sister do her thing, yo.” Tess discovers a paper plate (how déclassé, Tess) on which A(lex)ander has scribbled the El shield with disturbing vehemence. Commercials!
Officer HeDidIt! shows Clark around, including a water pump filled with…wait for it…blue Kryptonite! So that explains why Clark doesn’t have his powers, obvs. Officer HeDidIt! tells Clark that the blue meteor rock rained down from the sky 20 years ago, and that their crops have thrived and water has been super yummy ever since. Clark tells him that meteor rocks have had a more detrimental effect where he’s from, but Officer HeDidIt! proudly counters that their citizens haven’t suffered so much as a common cold ever since, so obviously everything’s peachy keen. As someone currently suffering from a common cold, allow me to say: suck it, Officer. Clark hears bells in the distance and asks what the sound is, and Officer HeDidIt! says: “Something I wish you hadn’t heard.” THWACK with a shovel, and although I’m not one for I told you sos, I told you HE DID IT!
Luthor mansion. A(lex)ander apologizes for ruining the party, and Tess comforts him. They hug and he stealthily sneaks a key out of Tess’s pocket. She shows him the paper plate and asks him what the El shield means to him. “It’s the symbol of the bad man. He comes into my dreams to hurt me.” Tess tells A(lex)ander that she’d never let anyone hurt him, and he becomes increasingly agitated, insisting that the bad man WILL hurt him. Tess unwisely turns her back and A(lex)ander sneaks out the room, locking her inside. d’oh!
Boring A plot. Lois sits at dinner with the family of creeps, trying to hint that they should scurry along and get her to the train station before too long. Papa Creep scolds her for rushing through dinner, as tonight is the Harvest Celebration. “We glorify the day we were shown the Lord’s sign,” meaning the blue Kryptonite that crashed from the sky during the meteor shower. Their daughter Esther was ringing the warning bells when she was struck by a meteor rock and died. Before that happened, the village was beset by draught, bad crops and illness, and ever since their crops have bountiful and their citizens healthy. Lois is skeptical that this has anything to do with Esther’s death, and Papa Creep says this is because she’s not a believer. He mentions a yearly sacrifice but Lois is too dense to understand yet that THEY MEAN HER. Mama and Papa Creep clear the table, and Lois whispers to little Charlotte that she’s going to hit the road. Charlotte: “We’ll never let you leave. You’ve been chosen…like my sister.” Lo finally gets a clue and runs out the door where she’s greeted by a torch-wielding mob. Papa Creep appears and restrains Lois, telling the villagers to rejoice: “We’ve found our sacrifice!” Commercials.
Clark wakes up in a small room, surprised to find Lois there dressed like a pilgrim. Lo tells Clark she really stepped in it and apologizes for being so high-and-mighty earlier; she really needs him to super-speed them out of this mess. Clark explains that the villagers have been drinking the blue K, so whenever they’re around he can’t use his powers. Lois realizes that when she took the blue dagger out of Clark’s chest in a much better episode this season, he was suddenly healed. Clark is touched and amazed that Lois is the one who brought him back from the brink of death, but y’all, there’s really no time for this. The cabin is surrounded by creepy villagers; Lois finds a cellar through which they can escape, after she picks the lock with a handy-dandy bobby pin. She tells Clark to change clothes first so he’ll blend in, and after he takes off his shirt (drink twice!) revealing rippling back muscles, she bites her lip and murmurs to herself, “Why are we never somewhere romantic when he takes off his shirt?” Just wait, little lady! One thing I’ve always appreciated about Lois, even back in Season 4, is that she admires Clark as the gorgeous specimen of flawless manmeat that he is.
Kent barn. Tess has escaped to find A(lex)ander brooding in Clark’s loft. That’s Clark’s job! A(lex)ander tells Tess that this is where he tied Clark’s first bowtie, where Clark told him he wished they could be brothers, where Lex told Clark that their friendship would be a thing of legend. GOOSEBUMPS, PEOPLE! Tess tells A(lex)ander that if he wants that to be true, he can still befriend Clark, and A(lex)ander replies that he could never forgive Clark for making his father hate him, taking away everything he ever cared about, and repeatedly lying about who he is. Tess tells A(lex)ander that Clark is NOT the bad man, Lex is, that he used them both, and A(lex)ander doesn’t have to be a slave to his memories. She tells A(lex)ander that she wants to help him, and A(lex)ander (correctly) assumes that she’s just trying to redeem herself for the darkness inside her. He says that she’s only ever cleaved to stronger men: first Oliver Queen, then Lex Luthor, then Zod, and now Clark Kent. Tess loses it and backhands him: woah! She then falls to her knees, apologizing: “Please, A(lex)ander! Please!” A(lex)ander coldly replies: “Don’t call me that. My name is LEX.” You haven’t quite earned that heavy mantle yet, little dude.
Boring A plot. Clark and Lois are trying to sneak through the village, Lois disguised in a cloak, Clark in a very fetching fedora. Lois is spotted by her harlot nail polish and Papa Creep arrives on horseback to prevent their escape. As Clark tries to help Lois, Papa Creep SCYTHES him right through the six-pack, and it appears as if Clark’s dead. Lois sobs Clark’s name about a million times, contributing to the high drink count of this episode, as they pull her away. As always, Erica Durance is !ACTING! her ass off despite the unbelievably lame nature of the material they’re giving her. Commericals.
This shit’s getting old, ya heard? I’m going to try to rush through the rest. So Lois is on an altar, telling the scarecrow-masked villagers (man, I wish this were an episode about Scarecrow instead, as I’d suspected from the preview) that what they’re calling sacrifice is actually murder, and they know it’s wrong even if they don’t admit it. Papa Creep isn’t trying to hear that, and they get ready to SACRIFICE even though some of the villagers look kinda chagrined. After Clark is buried by some yokels and they move away, thus ending the blue K influence over Clark, he punches through the ground and arrives just in time, shooting into the crowd with a shotgun to get them to dissipate. At first I thought he actually shot someone, which is totally not okay for Superman, but I think it’s just shoddy editing. At any rate, he moves up on the altar just as the bucket of blue K flames is dumped on him and Lois. Even though he doesn’t have his powers, he jumps over Lois to protect her from the flames, scalding his back something serious in the process. The villagers move back and Clark’s powers (and back) begin to restore, as Lois realizes that if Clark is free from any blue-K-sweating villagers, he’s got his abilities again. So she does a hilarious Pulp Fiction bit to scare them off: “And he will strike down upon thee with GREAT vengeance and FURIOUS anger! And…he will use his heat vision to RAZE your village, and his…his super-breath to SMITE your crops!” HAH! That part almost made this whole episode worth it. The villagers back off and Clark and Lois whoooosh outta there. Commercials.
Luthor mansion. Tess regards a small vial of antidote that Dr. Pretty has scrounged up, modeled after Dr. Pete Dinsmore’s research on his cloned daughter Emily! AWESOME SHOUT-OUT! Emily totally also had accelerated mitosis, although she could move crazy fast and thank god A(lex)ander can’t, or Tess would already be in a world of trouble. Tess murmurs, “I wanted so badly to save that little boy,” and then pulls a DYNASTY! and throws the vial into the fire! Dr. Pretty is aghast, and Tess tells her, “Destroy all your research. In the morning he’ll be locked up again for everyone’s safety.” WHY WAIT UNTIL MORNING?! Dr. Pretty reminds Tess that without the antitode, he’ll be dead in six weeks. Tess: “That’s the point. Because he’s not just a clone. He IS Lex Luthor.” DUN DUN DUUUUN!
Kent barn. Lois gloats about their front page story bumping Cat Grant‘s headline, and they exposit that they’ve sent the feds after the creepy village cultists. Lois uses their harrowing trip as another reason to convince Clark to step into the light as a symbol of hope for people in a world of chaos. Clark apologizes for being over-protective and Lois says that they will always be there for each other. Clark gives Lois Virgil Swann’s journal, which is kind of a big deal, telling her: “I want you to know me completely, with no secrets. Because you’re the one. You always will be.” Swoooon! They start making out and Lois drops the invaluable book because DAMN Clark is hot. They have very romantic-seeming sex, with candles and hand-holding, even though I HATE IT when characters hold hands during sex. Dudes: YOU NEED YOUR HANDS FOR SEX. Anyway, it’s very sweet and their first time unless you count the future, so I’m quite happy for them.
Luthor mansion. Many pages of scribbled El shields scatter the floor, as A(LEX!!!)ander stands in front of a full-length mirror in black pants, black shoes, and a purple oxford shirt, otherwise known as Lex Luthor’s Uniform. He shaves the last bit of curly red hair off his shiny dome and smiles diabolically into the mirror. CREDITS.
Next week, on Smallville: Ambush! Michael Ironside and Peyton List return as Lois’s estranged fam, General Sam Lane and sister Lucy! Just in time for a very special Thanksgiving episode of Smallville. And is that Rick Flag and Suicide Squad I spy? Yay! Looks to be a much higher quality ep than “Harvest.” Check out the preview here:
and a hilarious preview clip here:
I love you, Michael Ironside!
Be sure to tune in Friday at 8/7c on the CW for the premiere of “Ambush” and don’t forget to play the drinking game! Check back in next week for my recap; see you then!
Watch With Kristen teases us about the potential returns of Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luthor), Kristen Kreuk (Lana Lang) and/or Annette O’Toole (Martha Kent), as well as discusses Teri Hatcher’s guest appearance as Lois Lane’s mom.